Gonna Get Over You

Goodbye

Today. The visit. Every year. Between 2 birthdays, I make the biannual commute to Mandai. 

Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?

I still blame myself for what happened. I keep thinking it's my fault. Maybe if I wasn't that screwed up it won't happen.

Layin' down the law that I live by,

Still swearing not to cry in public. I keep my face grim and somber  trying to hide the tears running beneath. Also it seems strange to see a girl shed tears in public. Most would think it's because of a boy. Which in my case, unfortunately, NO. 

Though maybe next time

It seems pointless to throw a crying scene in front of the urns. I always believed that the owners of the urn were watching through their portraits and could move, just like Harry Potter. 

I've got a thick tongue,

Make my way to their urns. I stare at the 2 portraits, and I do have lots of things to say, but..

Brimming with the words that go unsung

Once again, I am silent. Falling silent is something I seem to be very good at.

Simmer then the burn for a someone,

Sometimes I wish that she's still alive. In the middle of the night and I can't sleep, I lie blatantly to myself and say that my grandmother's still watching.

A wrong one

I know whatever I do, she won't come back. She didn't harm me in anyway. She just broke my heart really really bad by just leaving.

And I tell myself to let the story end,

She left over a year ago. In a way I least expected. And as my birthday draws along, I miss her even more.

My heart will rest in someone else's hand

After what happened, love is the last thing I believe in. I thought she would see me graduate from university. Look what happened. 

My 'why not me?' philosophy began,

I use to envy girls who have their own SOs. They seemed perfectly happy, everything they could ask for is there, they aren't missing anything.. 

And I say

Love sounds like a drug. It probably is. I don't do drugs.

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'm still sitting in front of her urn. Someone's been there before me, and I see a plastic flower in the holder. I uncover the ones I brought.

I'll be alright, just not tonight

They seem squashed, having endured a hour long journey in my bag. Aren't as impressive as the ones people bought. 

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

Why?

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

I folded them myself. With a DAISO 370 pieces 18 color packet, they are really small. And look nowhere to compared to those in the book .

Someday

When i can fold them really neatly and make it look no different from a store bought one, that's when. 

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me

I keep hearing that word everywhere. Any decisions left unsettled? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,

It's my birthday tomorrow. I am told it is not important. Neither is there any good reason to remember it.

Hang from your hands

 I'm always busy planning other people's birthdays. Sisters, cousins, friends.. When it comes to mine? I shall still live with the denial that it exists. Cause when it comes around, no one remembers.

Well, no more,

 Can I just forget about this stupid idea? It's pointless, a waste of money, and all this sudden attention once a year? Please, I know you feel strange. I feel strange too. 

I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door

Look, just spare me and you the embarrassment. Ignorance is bliss. I'd be happy if you remembered, but I'm not obliged for you to remember. Neither do I see it as a right.

If I make it at the thought of you, what for?

I remove the envelope containing the results slip on my bag. Nothing spectacular. It's just mediocre. Look, I'm not built for being a scholar, alright?

It's not me anymore

Much as the idea of being a workaholic appeals to me, it appears I'm not cut out for it. Technically I'm slow, take a longer time to understand, and like to ask and ponder until I've believe I've understood. Then everybody else is so ahead of me. And I'm still stuck.

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,

Look, I hate trouble. I don't give a shit about daily 30 minute skin care regime. So don't expect me to appear perfect all day long. 

I dare you darling, just you wait and see

Note to self: I'm supposed to do something else. Find what that something else is.

But this time not for you but just for me, And I say

Can I be selfish? Some are selfish for every day of their lives. Can I be selfish for one day? Why don't I feel good asking to be selfish?

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I want a holiday. Ironically I'm saying this after I've spent my holiday not being on one. I can never understand why the effort I've put in is not the results I get. 

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Yeah. tonight. What else could happen?

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I start to play with matches. Strike them against the side of the matchbox, watch the spark stay on the tip of the match, watch it die off.

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

I strike another one. Something tells me this is not normal. Who would play with matches between 2 rows of urns? 

Someday

It's strangely comforting. To see it light up in flames and then die down again. Striking a match. It seems so easy, yet so hard.

Say it's coming soon,

I'm still playing with matches. They burn at the tip, sometimes if I till them at the correct angle, the rest of the match gets the flame too. 

Someday without you,

I walk to the ledge overlooking the main road. It's quiet and peaceful, like a resolution of what has been a tumultuous life.  

All I can do

All I can do is to walk downstairs and find an unused bin where I can start burning the envelope.

Is get me past the ghost of you,

I'm pretty much ashamed to burn it. It looks terrible. I wasn't supposed to make it look like that. Even though I had copied it myself to burn the feeling into memory. Hate it. Honestly.

Wave goodbye to me,

Strike a few more matches, watching the envelope engulf in flames. It's dreadfully slow, yet taunting. The only way my results get sent. Yet it seems like the way I can see her again. I stare into the flames.

I won't say I'm sorry,

I'm still staring at the pit, long after the envelope's burnt. I hope she likes what she sees. 

I'll be alright once I find the other side of someday 

This is the only thing I can do.

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

In goes another mental note for the next visit. I hope it looks nicer this time.

I'll be alright, just not tonight

I throw the matchbox into the dustbin. Destroying evidence of my presence.

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I walk my way outside, where another hearse had just come in.

I'll be alright, just not tonight, Someday 

 Happy Birthday. To me. 


And here's your song to go with it.