My bestie's birthday. Tomorrow.
The pupil. Tomorrow.
One more week before the visit. Tomorrow.
I'm starting to hate tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a bluff I'm pulling over my eyes to make up for my inadequacy. It also serves as the damn excuse why I'm wasting my life away.
Not in cigarettes, binge drinking or drugs. Every week I visit the library twice to take out a loan on list of books from the Sparknotes Literature guide. (Not to mention sit in the library to read up on something I'm interested in, like Psychology, Architecture, Music, Literature...) Then I'll read them each, one book a day.
It's better than a vitamin. Sometimes the books are short. I finish them within an hour or 2. Sometimes they are long, and I read into the night.
I tell myself it will be all worth it for the shot of going overseas, but I know that isn't going to be good enough. Straight 4.0 now seem impossible, cause i'm not good enough. Neither does pushing myself to the extreme going to reap any rewards.
I still think it's holding up. After 3 weeks of intensive reading, I think my brain's rewiring. I liked the Bell Jar and the Caine Mutiny. Strangely they both have something to do with mental ailments.
Maybe I guess that's why I'm dreading tomorrow. I've completely lost faith.
Every year I go through this. All those expectations I build up in my mind, they go completely crashing as the day approaches. I dread the birthday. Broken promises, unfulfilled wishes; I'm sick of it.
No one remembers my existence. Like really, cause I don't wave gigantic placards in the air to highlight it. Neither do I see the need to do so.
I thank all my real friends for standing up with me; kiwi, weiling, wt, mal..
Thank you guys going on the long trek with me. We got a hell long bumpy ride to go.
And to my dearest wt:
HAPPY Birthday darling. You deserve to enjoy yourself. We'll meet soon. Cheers
The pupil. Tomorrow.
One more week before the visit. Tomorrow.
I'm starting to hate tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a bluff I'm pulling over my eyes to make up for my inadequacy. It also serves as the damn excuse why I'm wasting my life away.
Not in cigarettes, binge drinking or drugs. Every week I visit the library twice to take out a loan on list of books from the Sparknotes Literature guide. (Not to mention sit in the library to read up on something I'm interested in, like Psychology, Architecture, Music, Literature...) Then I'll read them each, one book a day.
It's better than a vitamin. Sometimes the books are short. I finish them within an hour or 2. Sometimes they are long, and I read into the night.
I tell myself it will be all worth it for the shot of going overseas, but I know that isn't going to be good enough. Straight 4.0 now seem impossible, cause i'm not good enough. Neither does pushing myself to the extreme going to reap any rewards.
I still think it's holding up. After 3 weeks of intensive reading, I think my brain's rewiring. I liked the Bell Jar and the Caine Mutiny. Strangely they both have something to do with mental ailments.
Maybe I guess that's why I'm dreading tomorrow. I've completely lost faith.
Every year I go through this. All those expectations I build up in my mind, they go completely crashing as the day approaches. I dread the birthday. Broken promises, unfulfilled wishes; I'm sick of it.
No one remembers my existence. Like really, cause I don't wave gigantic placards in the air to highlight it. Neither do I see the need to do so.
I thank all my real friends for standing up with me; kiwi, weiling, wt, mal..
Thank you guys going on the long trek with me. We got a hell long bumpy ride to go.
And to my dearest wt:
HAPPY Birthday darling. You deserve to enjoy yourself. We'll meet soon. Cheers
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