Pack

Rightt.

I'm supposed to be packing and cleaning out my room. Won't be any much use after the next 10 days. Most of what I need has gone into the suitcase, just leaving the shoes, a few sets of clothes for tide me over and all the electronics.

I am learning to live on 4 different shirts and pants for 12 days or so(I started on Friday), which also includes what I wear to sleep, so its a merry-go-round among the 4 of them. Trying (rather unsuccessfully) to wear these 4 out so I can thrash them in the bin. I am desperate for a new wardrobe after all.

10 days already. Time passes really fast. At 10 weeks this actually felt like a dream. A dream come true. I'm a skeptic, and some part tells me this isn't real.

On my bedside table is a stack of books I borrowed in a fit. I have a week or so to finish them, and let's just say I am on my 2nd book with another 4 more to go. I thought there was nothing to occupy my brain, until the prospect of packing and discovery of the hidden world of emulator trading. I am still a kid at heart. Why are we so fixated on doing the grown up stuff when it makes us forget what made us happy?

I'm starting to see the bits of my life coming together now. After taking my mind of school and project, there are still things going on. It isn't as boring or dreadful as I thought it will be. I do have a life outside school after all. Made of SPCA, Empire, Longform, ArchDaily, Wallpaper and much recently, 8tracks. I am staunchly Instagram and Twitter free. Neither do I know how long I can keep up at it. Certainly there is no obligation to update facebook every other hour.

I'm leaving soon, and this is when I'm starting to hold on to what I have now even tighter, although I have to let it go. I thank all these people who have been with me from the start, and apologize for sending you folks on a crazy roller coaster ride, you have watched me shoot up and dive down, narrowly missing all the pillars and breaks, and see me question my own sanity. After staring at my own tracks at the end of the line, the loops and twists didn't seem as daunting now, simply because I didn't know where my own limits were. I know the sky's the limit, but no one told me how high can I shoot to reach.

Now this little break feels extremely smooth sailing. I know what's being planned out, things I should do, and it feels a little stifling to know everything that is going on and will happen.

Someone asked if I was excited to be leaving home for so long. Truth is, I don't know anymore. I used to see it as a dream, and now when it comes true, well, I wasn't expecting it to happen. I had planned my life according to it not happening, and now when it really does, I think I need to rewrite my life plan for now. Everything happening according to plan? Wow.

And to add that I've kept my emotions in bottled for so long, it takes some time to process before I show an appropriate reaction. I know I'm in control of everything, but it weighs down heavily like a hammer. I forgot how is it like to wear your heart on your sleeve, grinning when you feel like it, and not because you need to.

I need to remember how to do that again. It is very stiffling and rigid being unable to do it.