Pre-Graduation (or Where are all the umbrellas?)

A picture of Q and Bond to last me through this one

I've made it this far.

I have completed 3 years. I have tried to make the best use of my time. And now, what stands before me is 3/4 days before graduation ceremony.

Somehow this feels like the most difficult thing I have to go through. After happily being in recluse of close up to 3 months, the immending spotlight will shine on me again. I thoroughly dislike that. The fact that people will notice who I am drives me insane.

Not that I can't live with other's expectations of me. I'm a victim to my own. So much for an attempt trying to fit in with the "perfect" people. Tired of standing out like a sore thumb, and it appears that I do not have any choice. Why can't I just be invisible instead argh :( I feel like an ugly duckling among all the handsome/pretty ones. Although some might not have the looks, they sure have brains,given that in this context, the mark of intelligence is given by the GPA score after 3 years of schooling. Then unfortunately, I ain't got either.

After 3 months, I am nowhere where I wanted to be(cue: rich, popular, thin, pretty, smart). I have a job that doesn't pay that well, but I have nice colleagues and great working environment. Still reading whatever I can get my hands on, albeit not useful (Thank you, Plato), but provides a good verbal / intellectual arsenal against the people I have to face eventually. I'm still midway through the lectures, but strangely the points discussed in the lectures are the questions I ponder with, playing with the thoughts like a kitten with a ball of yarn. Well, at least those thoughts are ironed out now. Looking for new ones to ponder with. Illustrating them with words isn't that difficult now.

The trip I dream of making eventually starts to slip further and further away from my grasp, and the cold hard truth of being accepted starts to set in: University was indeed catered for "A" level students. I just happened to make a detour. Naturally I do have my own objectives and goals to achieve. At which I will pay the full price for it, cause that's the way things work around here.

I can never understand what's wrong with me. I went to poly. I got into university. Why can't I just grit my teeth and attend the graduation ceremony?

No, I do not care for the small bear. I still remain convinced that I will make a damn fool of myself, somewhere along the line, throughout the course of the day.

I want an umbrella. To shield myself from the words and stares that people will speak of me. To provide a cover from my humiliation of getting worse. Actually just to make this less painful.

This would be easier if I had fulfilled all the criteria to begin with in the first place. Just my luck